


No Matter What

by AmandaPandapple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M, i don't know how to tag it here, i made a note of warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11400981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaPandapple/pseuds/AmandaPandapple
Summary: Dean finds out about Castiel's past vessel, and Cas wants to understand why he's so upset that it was female. (12x10 is the focus of conversation)





	No Matter What

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: I don't really do these because I'm not good at them, but this talks about gender and the fact that Dean has to accept Castiel's male vessel. So, if that'll give you any dysphoria, or general upset, please don't read. It does have a happy ending of acceptance, but be safe reading.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean announced from across the bunker. Cas walked the length of the study to meet him. “What’s all this?” He was referring to the two boxes of random belongings Castiel brought in.

“I was informed by the new family living in the Novak’s old home of some things that were left behind in their basement.” Castiel answered, watching Dean look through the boxes. They were mostly filled with paper and pictures. There was also a journal barely filled out, and a ribbon and pressed rose.

Castiel looked back at Dean’s face, “I wasn’t sure what to do with them. Do you think Claire should have them?”

“I don’t think she’d care about this kind of stuff, but we should ask her first.” Dean said, and picked up the pictures to look through. Some were old portraits that weren’t in color. Castiel knew some of the people in them. Dean pulled one out to show him. “Is that Jimmy as a baby?” He chuckled.

Cas didn’t understand why Dean found it humorous though, “It is.” Dean laughed a little more, looking at the picture.

“It’s like looking at a picture of you.” Dean looked a little more at the same photo, until moving on. It wasn’t Castiel of course. Jimmy is just a vessel. Even though Cas seems to always find himself attached to this vessel, it’s not what he really looks like.

Dean pulled out another photo, “Well, blue eyes definitely run in the family.” It was a family photo with differently aged people.

Castiel noticed the older woman right away, “She was my vessel for a time.” Dean exclaimed loudly and looked at the picture much closer. Castiel didn’t understand his reaction, but let Dean continue.

“What do you mean she was your vessel? You used an old lady?” Dean looked very confused, and also amused.

“No. I asked her when she was much younger, and only for a short time. It was when I served under Ishim.” Castiel informed, watching Dean’s jaw clench at the mention of Ishim, “She’s Jimmy’s great grandmother.” He tried to keep the subject matter towards the woman and not a time they’d rather not remember. Castiel looked through the photos, finding one of the woman much younger, and giving it to Dean.

“She’s beautiful.” Dean seemed to admire, but his face looked quizzical, and he seemed to be getting more so as he looked at it. He sighed, making Castiel worry.

“You’re upset.” He observed.

“I’m not upset,” Dean was a little defensive, “I mean, why didn’t you keep her as your vessel?”

Cas shrugged, “My use for her was complete. I went back to Heaven, and she lived out the rest of her life.” It wasn’t complicated. Castiel had no reason to keep her as a vessel. He wasn’t stationed on Earth again until he saved Dean. Dean still looked upset though. Castiel guessed he was angry, but didn’t understand why.

Dean tossed the pictures back in the boxes, “Yeah, just ask Claire if she wants them.” Changing the subject, and walking out of the room. Castiel always knew better than to follow after Dean when he was upset about something, especially if it was his fault. Castiel couldn’t see how he had made Dean angry, so he disregarded leaving Dean alone and followed him.

He found Dean in his room with the door open a crack, “Dean?” He knocked, and opened the door slowly. Dean was laying on his bed with his headphones on, listening to music. “Dean.” He called a little louder.

Dean glanced at him, and clicked a button on his device, “What is it, Cas?” 

“If I upset you somehow, I’m very sorry. I’d like to understand what I did so-“

Dean stood, waving his hand to stop him, “You didn’t do anything. I just-” Dean looked at a loss for words, or maybe holding something back. Castiel doesn’t think he’s ever seen Dean like this. “Your vessel.” But he didn’t elaborate.

“What about it?” Castiel looked down at himself. Maybe something was amiss with his clothing that made Dean act this way, but he found nothing wrong.

“If you can go into any vessel, why did you stay with Jimmy so long?” Dean asked, crossing his arms.

Cas was a little taken aback, “For a couple reasons. One in particular, Jimmy died and this vessel became completely vacant except for myself. It’s like it became my own.” And it really had. Castiel doesn’t identify with any gender because he’s an angel, but from being human in this vessel a few times, he feels more comfortable in it than any other.

“And the other reason?” Dean didn’t seem satisfied by that answer.

“It was one you and Sam identified with. You knew me as this image than any other.” Castiel suddenly got a feeling, not his own though. It was from someone else. Someone longing for him, and Castiel suddenly realized it was Dean. Dean was feeling longing for him. This wouldn’t be his first time feeling that from Dean.

Castiel just didn’t understand why Dean was longing for him when he was standing right in front of him, “Dean?”

Dean turned away from him with a big sigh, “I don’t wanna talk about this, Cas.” But Castiel could still feel longing from Dean. Why would he push Cas away if he longed for him?

“Dean,” Cas said firmly, “Talk to me.”

“Why couldn’t you just find a female vessel?” Dean blurted out, catching Cas of guard, “If you were in a female, this wouldn’t be so hard!” He was angry again.

“What’re you talking about?” Castiel was deeply confused now. He saw how defeated Dean looked amongst his anger. Castiel now understood Dean wasn’t angry, not really. He was trying to talk about his feelings. Dean always gets defensive and mad when it comes to his feelings. Of course.

“You care for me.” Castiel pointed.

Dean seemed to brush that off though, turning back to him, “Of course, I do. You’re my best friend!”

“No. It’s more than that, Dean.” Castiel came closer, as Dean turned away from him again, “You love me.” Dean quickly turned around, grabbed Cas by the lapels of his overcoat, and shoved him up against the dresser next to them. It hurt Cas’s back some and he winced from it.

Dean looked shocked, and let Cas go, “Cas, I’m sor-”

Castiel was the one angry this time though, “No. If you care for me like I believe you do, you wouldn’t care what vessel I’m in. If you love me, it wouldn’t matter.” Dean didn’t say anything back, and Castiel left the room, and the bunker. He needed to just walk.

\---

Castiel walked for many hours. It didn’t bother his feet or legs to walk this long. He walked along a forest, and then a lake. It was all beautiful, and it only made him sad. He didn’t mean to push Dean like he did. He never thought Dean would actually love him the same way he did for Dean. It made even more sense of why Dean wouldn’t love him the way he hoped. He knew this all already. It didn’t make it hurt any less.

Castiel was sat on a bench in a large park, watching swans float together. It was peaceful and quiet, until he heard a very familiar loud motor of a ’67 Chevy Impala. A few hours ago, he would have gotten up as fast as he could to get away, but he felt calmer now, albeit defeated. The motor cut off, and one door opened and closed. The footsteps were soft along the grass as they came closer.

“Mind if I sit?” Dean asked, but Cas didn’t look up at him.

“No.” He sighed, and Dean sat down, and they were quiet a moment.

“Cas, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shoved you like that.” Dean said, and Cas could tell Dean was struggling a little, “Look, Cas, I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve thought about it before, but because of my father, I never acted on it. That shame has followed me all my life, and when you came along, it got harder to forget about.” Dean never spoke like this with him. It was usually either yelling, or just forgotten. Dean was actually letting himself be open and vulnerable here.

“I know it was a while ago, but I should’ve told you properly back in purgatory. I think I was trying back then, but nothing ever happened.” Dean was looking at him, and Cas turned his head in kind. “I love you, Cas. I have for a long time, and I’m sorry.”

Castiel place his hand on the bench with his palm up, and waited till Dean put his hand in his, “I’m glad you’re telling me now. I shouldn’t have pushed the issue.”

“No. I’m glad you did, otherwise, I’d still be trying to run from it.” Dean moved closer to Cas, and put an arm around him, “I’m tired of running, and I’m tired of not having this.” They looked at each other now, “I don’t care what vessel you’re in, Cas. As long as it’s you.”

They smiled softly to each other, and met slowly for a kiss.


End file.
